Rain
by neko-chibi-faithkitty
Summary: Song fic.Oneshot. Hakkai reflects back on the night of Kanan’s death.


**A/N:** Song fic. Hakkai reflects back on the night of Kanan's death. Just something I started when I was feeling kinda down. Anyway, I don't own Hakkai, and the song is It's Too Late from Weiβ Kruez. Hope you like.

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_**It's Too Late**_

_Honou no you na, kanashimi iyasu  
Tsumetutai ame ga konya wa furi tsuzuku.  
Dareka wo aisi? Dareka wo nikumi?  
Itameta mune no oku made shimite iku._

I look out at the pouring rain feeling the searing scar that crosses I gut. I hate the rain. Strange, that I hate the rain now. Back then, with you, I loved to listen to it fall as you curled close to me. I still don't know why you had to leave me like that. With every raindrop I see your death all over again. I love you. Even now, all these years later, I will _never_ stop loving you. Even now, as the pattering sounds burn themselves into my mind, I can hear it. The sound of my own footsteps echoing hollowly in empty, bloodstained corridors replaces that of the rain. Why did they choose you, love? We didn't do anything wrong, unless love is wrong? Is love wrong? I bite my tongue to keep from crying out as another streak of pain splashes across my stomach. I wince as the coppery taste of demon blood fills my mouth. It tastes just like his. It is a taste I wish I could forget. But like the slash across my flesh, it is forever burned into my memory.

_Ano hi shinjita koto?  
Sore wo koukai nanka shite nai?  
Itsu ka wakareru koto?  
Unemai no ykusoku da yo to?_

I didn't want to leave you, all those years ago. I wanted to die then. I suppose that on some level I still do. But I can't just give up and die. Then I could have, if they had let me, but now… Now I'm too far gone, trapped in this existence like a caged and frightened bird, to frail to attempt escape. I wish I could return to that time, before I lost myself to this cursed blood. But it's just not possible. I was so innocent and foolish then. To think, I thought it could have lasted. But the only thing that lasts in this world is pain. The rain is getting harder now. I should probably go and check on the others. I know they hate the rain as much as I do. But I won't. As much as I need to, I caged in my own misery. We had so much! Why? What gods chose to punish us for love?

_Kissu ga sabishikute, kokoro hanareteku.  
Futari kako ni aetara yokatta no ni.  
Setsunai omoi mo itsuka  
Sotto natsukashiku naru._

The shutters fly open, letting in the driving rain, and I hurry to close them. It isn't until I feel the rain on my face that I notice the tears trailing down my cheeks. Sighing I swipe at them, trying to erase them like I wish I could erase the past. But just like the past, they stubbornly remain, streaming down my face. Strangely, I can feel your lips, tenderly kissing away my tears. I can almost hear your voice telling me that somehow it's going to be alright. Some where deep inside of me I can feel your arms embracing me, and I know it's only my mind. That as soon as I wake from this dream, you will be dead again. That the pain will all that more powerful.

_Naze umareta no ka? Naze ikiteru no ka?  
Donna riyuu mo ame ga keshite iku  
Nani mo tsutawaranakute  
Ai wa kowareru._

It seems that every night is exquisite torture. Every sleep filled with dreams of you. But when I wake up, it's only to discover that it was only a dream. You are still dead, I'm still alone, and nothing in Heaven, Earth, or Hell can change that. Why are we born? Are we born just to die, for death is inevitable. Or is there some greater purpose to all the suffering and misery that we call 'life?' Is there a reason we spend our lives struggling to love? Struggling to live? It seems as though all these secrets are known to the gods, and whispered to us through the rain. That is why the rain is so loud - the whispers are so painful. Wise men have spent years pondering why bad things happen to good people. But their question is backwards. Why do good things happen to bad people? That is what they should be asking. For none of us are good. It's just an illusion, and as soon as it fades, the pain and grief of life come crashing through to tear through your heart as thunder tears through the sky.

_Aoi honou wa, kiyoku no na-nokori.  
Hari no you na ame ga tsuki-sashite iku.  
Dareka no sakebi? Dareka no yume ga?  
Nureta hodou no katasumi iki taeru._

The rain is falling like blue fire from the sky. The tiny needles pounding away on the shutters. As the pounding becomes harder I fold into myself at the head of the moth-eaten bed we've rented for the night. Slowly, my memories begin to take over as I relive the night I killed you. I should have been there. I should have known that something was wrong. Aren't you supposed to know when the person you love is in danger? Why didn't I know? I failed you. If only I'd been a little faster, he wouldn't have hurt you. I can still hear the screams of fear. The women and children I killed. Only Sanzo knows about them. I was so lost in my nightmare that I became theirs. And some part of me still rages for their blood. That same part of me that cries out in agony every time it rains. That part that longs for death. Even now. I swore when I was given a second chance that I would remember each and every child I killed that night, but their faces have been washed from my mind as the rain washes away the sunlight. But even though their faces are forgotten, their screams of fear still ring in my ears.

_Nani mo dekinai kedo  
Hitotsu mamoritai mono ga atta yo.  
Tou ni kakushita kara  
Ima wa waru shika nai no sa…_

Some part of me still knows that it's over, that it's in the past… but that part is buried by the part of me that cries in renewed anguish over your death. I can still feel your lifeless body limp in my hands. I can feel my helplessness as you take you own life. I can feel your lingering lips on mine as I kissed you for the last time. And some part of me wants it all back. Some part of me is lost to the memory of you sorrowful smile as you took your own life. Why? You didn't have to! The child was as much your as his! I could have loved any child you bore. Even one so cursed and taboo as a half blood. You were too good for that. You should have lived. I was the one who failed. I was the one who failed you…

_Ame ga kanashikute, subete kanashikute.  
Moshimo shiawasena tokikizametara.  
Hakanai negai to shitte.  
Sotto namida wo yurasu._

Eventually, all I can see is that empty, cold prison, buried deep within the earth. All I hear is you tear filled voice. "Good-bye Gonou." That's what you said… "Good-bye Gonou." The words will be forever burned into my heart. The cold stone floor of our prison begins to replace the beaten wood of the inn. Slowly, I hear him. I can hear each and every taunt. Every insult hurled. And then, like always, I feel his blade burn through my gut. Then I taste the coppery wine of his blood as it pours over me. But still, some sane part of me is aware that it's only a dream… that the wracking sobs will wake and bring the others. And so, as my tears for you overflow, I cry out my torment in silence.

_Ame yo furu ga ii, honou kieru made,  
Soshite yume no uta kata o houmurou,  
Nani mo tsutawaru nakute,  
Ai wa kowareru, ai wa kowareru…_

Slowly the wrenching sobs fade to whimpers as the memory follows it's course. The rain is dying down now, leaving me to forget the pain once again. Once again, I am able to bury Cho Gonou under the mask of Cho Hakkai. And once more, I am allowed to forget the pain of that night, if only until the next rain…

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**A/N:** Well, there it is. Like I said, hope you enjoyed. Review and let me know what you think. Here's the translation for the song. I didn't translate it, and I don't know who did. I had my sister track it down for me._**It's Too late **_

Like the flames I lost to you, sadness overwhelms me, too  
The rain sends shivers down my spine and seeps into my memory.  
Who was it that loves you so? Who was it that hates you so?  
I gasp in pain- the memories begin to swirl inside my mind.

Should I believe in what we did then?  
And if I do, leave you behind and feel regret again?  
Is this the way to say goodbye, love?  
When you and I had promises yet to fulfil?

That kiss you placed upon my heart, there still remains lonely mark.  
Can't seem to loose the memories of when we met in the dark.  
And as I sigh, I can feel you once again.  
But it fades just as fast as it began.

Why are we born into this life? Why do we die into the night?  
It seems the only one who know these things is the rain,  
Which takes my tears, keeps them oh so far at bay  
Until love fades away.

Gaze into the flames of blue, all my memories to view  
The rain comes pouring down like stinging needles from the sky.  
Who was it that screamed in fear? Who was it that dreamed in tears?  
I hear the voices but the faces have been washed away for years.

I fear there's nothing I can do.  
Soaked by the rain I stand upon the concrete, sobbing now.  
It seems so long since I last held you,  
And even longer since the last time that you smiled…

This rain that hides my tears away, this rain that turns the world to gray,  
Those happy memories of you and I are slashed in the night,  
Fading fast, as I watch them, helplessly.  
All my tears have begun to overflow.

This rain that washes pain away, this rain that blows the flames away  
And let's the dreamers dream of songs to sing, releases the life  
And take my tears, keeps the oh so far at bay  
Until love fades away, until love fades away…


End file.
